Tenchi Muyo: Private Eye-Case of the Missing Pilot
by Little Natalie
Summary: Detective Tenchi is hot on the trail on the hunt for a certain missing Gundam pilot. (A Tenchi Muyo/Gundam Wing X-over)


Disclaimer: I don't own Tenchi Muyo (Pioneer does), I don't own Gundam  
Wing, I have no intention of owning either two anime's especially since the  
Gundam series is THE boringest (but very funny) anime in the world. I don't  
own a detective either. I would, but I don't know what I'd do with it.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
*Authors note- I know it looks like a pain to read right now but wait a   
few paragraphs and it will eventually fit the format. Bear with me   
folks.*  
  
Ahh Saturday evening. The sun was setting over the sky scrapers. The   
construction workers across the street had finally gone home. And in a couple of   
hours, I had a date with a particularly stunning hitwoman. Needless to say I was in a  
pretty good mood. It had been a good month or so since I last had a case, but the money   
from the last one had kept my bottle full for quite some time. I was sitting in my office   
drinking scotch, as usual, when yet another young missus made her way into my room. I   
recognized her at once, though I regretted doing so. The thick bangs, the strange braids,   
the hideous choice of clothes,and the simply revolting manner in which she spoke. She   
had to be Relena Peacecraft. The daughter of some local rich aristocrats, she was known   
throughout the city to be a regular pain in the ass. She opened the door neatly and   
seemed to almost waltz up to my desk.  
"Mister Masaki, I come to you today in a rather sad predicament requireing  
your services."  
"No shit sherlock."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Well why else would you be here- to deliver a pizza? Cut to the chase   
already."  
"Umm.. allright. Were shall I begin,"she waltzed a bit more as she though  
out the precisely perfect way to describe her problem, "Well you see my predicament  
is in more of a.... sensitve nature. You see there is this boy I know and..." she trailed   
off.  
I wasn't following, "You wan't me to kill him for you?" I guessed.  
Her waltzing sped up as she begin to adamantly speak again, "Of course   
not Mister Masaki! I am a pasifist, and as one I do not agree with any killings  
of people of all kinds."  
"Well I should hope not." I slid in under my breath.  
"And as a pasifist......" her speech and waltzing seemed to go on endlessly.  
Well after about five minutes of hearing 'since I'm a pacifist I don't   
belive in killing' stated in about 500 different forms I felt I needed to cut in   
(that or take my life with the scotch bottle), "Enough already! Just tell me what on earth  
you want me to do to this guy of yours!"  
Relena looked startled but complied to my request, "You see Mister Masaki,  
this certain young man with whom I am on friendly terms with, Heero Yui, has been in   
unknown wherabouts with me for over 2 days. I came to you today, Mister Masaki, to  
find out if you were up to the challenge of pinpointing his location and then reporting  
it back to myself. For this task I am proposing quite a handsome fee in your favor.  
So, Mister Masaki, do you accept me as a member of your clientel?"  
I looked at her for a second, "So what you're saying is you want me to find  
this Heero guy,and then tell you where he is, for a lot of money right?"  
"Exaclty."  
Politicians.  
"Ok. I'll do it."  
"Great!"  
"On one condition."  
"What?"  
"You pay me 500 dollars up front."  
She agreed, but left my office with a rather sour look on her face. I leaned  
back in my chair as the overhead fan twirled to a 1 2 3 rhythem and took a shot from my  
glass. Looked like another case was landed. Time to leave my date a rain check. Like  
hell.  
Ryoko pulled up around eight in a stylishly sexy brown car (license:  
RYO-OKI) and flashed me a smile as she honked the horn.  
I hopped in soon after and saw that she had changed from her usual hitwoman garb into  
long black evening gown. Her driving, however, did not change with costume, and she   
continued to speed through the local streets in a very mob-like fashion. There was, perhaps  
an up side to her breakneck driving, though, as we made it to the restaurant in 5 minutes  
flat. We entered through the carved wooden doors and nicely enough, there was no reason  
for me to remove my hat (it had flown off a couple of blocks back- another perk?).  
We settled down in a cozy table, near the fire side and curled up into a conversation. Me  
being the mushy guy I am, began to recall my workday. As I told her about my unpleasent  
visit from a certain annoying gal it appeared that she too had the misfortune of meeting  
such an obscenity.  
"She came to your *office*?"  
"Yeah. Around five. Why Ryoko?"  
"And you didn't *shoot* her?"  
"She had a case, she offered me quite a sum of money."  
"I get it. You'll get the money and *then* you'll shoot her! Good thinkin'  
Tench!"  
"Well....no..... that wasn't on the schedule..."  
"You want me to shoot her?"  
"No."  
"Strangle her?"  
"No."  
"Poison her?"  
"No."  
"Then what?"  
"......"  
"I KNOW! You want me to give her to Washu!"  
"NO!"  
"C'mon Tenchi! I was only kidding. I'm not *that* heartless."  
I breathed a sigh of relief.  
"Ryoko, you know I'm really not planning on killing her... just taking her  
money in a business-like fashion... and besides, killing the clientel makes for bad   
business."  
"Whatever you say Tenchi. What is 'the case' anyway?"  
I told her about Heero.  
"That guy? You don't say!" remarked Ryoko, "I used to work with him  
and four other guys in a weaponry franchise."  
"The you know where he is?"  
"Well no not exactly I've lost touch with most of those guys over the  
years, including Heero. However I still talk to one of 'em. Lives pretty close  
around here, too, over on Bleeker street. A nice fellow, name's...."  
"What will you be having tonight *sir*." The waiter cut in.  
I glanced up slightly and replied, "Chardonnay," Ryoko gave me a  
nod, "for two."  
The waiter gave us a bored look and, after scratching down our   
drinks, shuffled over to the next table.  
I turned back to Ryoko, "About the guy?"  
"Oh! Yeah, he's a fun guy, chinese I think. His name's Chang. Chang  
Wufei." her smile turned coyish as she remembered the guy.  
"Ok! Great! Now where does he live again?"  
Ryoko just stared at me with her sparkling, opalescent eyes.  
"What?" I asked.  
"Tennnnchi... all we've talked about is work tonight. Let's do   
something more... fun." her eyes lit up with a spark.  
"Oh. Sorry Ryoko.... So you're not going to tell me where this guy  
lives?"  
"Sure I will, Tenchikins, but first you have to do something for me...  
a favor." the growl had left her voice and now it flowed from her lips velvety  
smooth. I could feel my own smile creeping up into the corners of my mouth.  
  
Two hours later I exited her apartment, my cheeks stained red, my   
tie left off somewhere by the couch, and on my way to pay a little visit to Chang  
Wufei.  
*Author's note- previously Tenchi had ALREADY paid a visit to   
Chang Wufei. However my computer ate it (and one with Trowa Barton too).  
That or I'm a total bonehead who forgot to save. Anyway on with the  
story....*  
  
It took me awhile to find the place, but three hours, four sets  
of directions, and two Yellow Pages later I finally arrived at the   
house. If you could call it that. Wufei's residence was in the south  
side of town full of tough guys and, luckily, tough buildings. Wufei's  
particular tough building was on the right. I entered with the usual  
calm-but-wariness of anyone new to that area with even a few shards of  
brain. I casually walked into the lobby and up the stairs until I reached  
apartment 308, and rapped on the door. A young man with a strait black  
ponytail and strange looking pants answered it.  
"Listen," he said, "I've already told you. I don't know   
anything about what happened to Merv downstairs. Please leave me alone."  
"Hold on a tick there. I don't know who the hell Merv is but   
I sure ain't the one looking for him," I replied.  
"Well that makes two of us," his voice was almost a monotone,  
"But what are you looking for?"  
"Just a little information on a guy called Heero Yui. May I   
please come in?"  
His eyebrows tweaked slightly at the name, "Sure."  
Wufei's apartment was surprisingly clean, the only furnishings being a  
punching bag, a low set table, two straw mats, and a futon. We quickly  
walked in the door and stood around the entry way.  
"So what do you want to know?" Wufei asked.  
"Pretty basic stuff. How you know him and where he is now.   
That's about it." I answered.  
"Hmm. Well we used to work together, but after the job was done  
he went off to find work somewhere else. He's that kind of guy. Goes   
where the jobs are."  
"You sure you don't know where he is?" I asked again.  
"No. But Trowa might. Just look for the circus," at that Wufei   
ushered me out of the apartment and briskly shut the door behind me.  
I leaned against the hall and sighed. It looked like I was still on the  
hunt.  
It was midnight by the time I reached the circus out on Coney  
Island. It wasn't that hard to find. The big striped tents kind of gave  
it away. I strolled out of my late sedan and walked up to guy in front.  
A bit of a skinny guy for a bouncer, but the circus never called for a  
tough crowd. Anyway, judging from the fellow's clown suit I figured he  
was on relief duty.   
I tapped him on the shoulder and had to duck as he turned   
around, for but alas, he had enormously pointy bangs. (*author's note*   
sorry for the breach in detective film noir..we will resume sleuthing..  
NOW).  
"The circus is closed. Come back tomorrow," I pointy tressed  
boy said.  
"I'm sorry kid, but I need to get in. On business."  
The boy shook his gravitationally challenged head, "Then it   
will wait. Until tomorrow."  
These types of situations always seem to call for a friend.  
Fortunately I always have a chum close to my heart. And loaded. I   
pulled my .7 magnum out of my jacket pocket and aimed the barrel right  
at the boy's pointy head.  
"I need to speak to a Trowa Barton. Tonight," I said.  
"Well you've reached him. So go ahead. Say what you need to  
say."  
I lowered my gun and began my rather basic line of questioning,  
"Well the thing is, some gal hired me to find this Heero Yuy fellow.  
Word on the street is you know where he's at."  
"As a matter of fact I don't," Trowa replied, "But I might know  
of someone who does."  
"And would you like to share this information?" I asked. I was  
growing impatient.  
"Well that depends. What will you do for me?"  
"What do you mean 'what will I do for you?' I won't stick a   
bullet up your ass is what I'll do," I was getting really impatient.  
"Dead men don't talk. And if you refuse to discuss nothing   
further, I think we're done here." Trowa cooly began to walk away.  
Feeling defeated I caved in, "Alright alright. Whaddya want  
anyway."  
"300 dollars."  
I raised my eyebrows, "May I ask what for?"  
Trowa shrugged, "I need to pay off a loan to some Ohkie mob."  
Their lead, Washu," he quickly shrunk down and glanced about to see if   
he'd been spotted, "Uhh.. I mean Little Washu did some repairations  
for me."  
"Reparations?"  
"She helped me fix my Gundam."  
Not wanting to question the matter further I quickly changed   
the topic, "Consider it taken care of. Now where's Yuy."  
"Well," Trowa stopped and considered some things for a minute   
or two, "to tell you the truth I really don't know *exactly* where he  
is, but I can lead you to someone who does."  
"Can't we all," I muttered under my breath.  
"What?"  
"Nothing. You were saying?"  
"Yes. Catch the 8:00 train to Pheonix tomorrow. Ask for   
assistant Quatre Winner."  
"Pheonix, as in Arizona?"  
"No, Pheonix, New York. Of course Arizona! Dumb shit."  
I whacked him with my gun and turned to leave.   
"And Trowa?" I asked him one final thing.  
"Yeah?"  
"Cut your bangs."  
  
  
By 8:00 AM I was washed, dressed, and at the train station. Damn those   
early departure times. But I had my bottle of scotch and a naughty,  
naughty porn mag (courtesy of Noboyuki's) and was ready to go. Around  
8:30 or so I had boarded the train (damn those late train schedules)  
and was comfortably seated. I took a swig of my drink and asked the   
nearest attendee for a Quatre Winner. In around 5 minutes or so a   
pleasant looking fair-haired boy emerged from the break room.  
"Hello sir! I hope you're enjoying your ride on Pacific Western  
Railways! How may I help you?" he asked me, in a very amiable voice to  
boot.  
"Have a seat Quatre."  
"That's Quatre Rhubarbera Winner."  
"Quatre, no one gives a shit what your middle name is," the   
passenger in front of me yelled back."  
"Anyway...," Quatre looked a bit disturbed, "How can I help   
you?"  
"Well you see, I'm looking for this fellow, Heero Yuy. You  
don't happen to know where he is, do you?"  
"Hmmm," Quatre replied, "As a matter of fact I don't...."  
"But I do!" the passenger in front popped his head over the   
back of his seat, "Who wants to know?"  
"I do," I told him about Relena.  
"Hmm..," He seemed to play with the idea before pulling Quatre  
out of his seat and plunking himself down in his place, "Duo Maxwell at  
your service. However, for my services I would desire some compensation..."  
I handed him the porn mag.  
"Excellent. Happy to help then," He held out his hand. I   
smacked it with my gun. I should really get out of the habit of doing   
that.  
Once off the train we (Duo and I) immediatly took the bus out  
to the rocky deserty countryside of Arizona. After a couple of hours of  
picking our way through the stone, we came to, what appeared to be a   
cave.  
Duo shrugged, "He's in there. But you didn't hear it from me."  
I nodded and stepped inside. There, towards the back, was a   
small human-shaped figure huddled against the wall. Immediatly his eyes  
focused on me, and he sprang up, almost ready to strike.  
"Is *she* with you?" he asked.  
"Who?"  
"R..rre..."  
"Relena?" I volunteered.  
The boy cringed and resumed his balled-up position.  
"No, she's not," I told him. At once he visibly relaxed, "Just  
taking a guess, but are you Heero Yuy?"  
The boy glanced at me warily, but slowly nodded.  
"Re.." Heero started to cringe again, "Well you know who she  
is, sent me to find you."  
A look of pure horror spread across Heero's face, "Oh please  
no! You can't! You don't know how hard it was to get away! You don't  
know what it's like," he shuddered, "being stalked all day long.   
Followed around. By *her*," the usually stoic, emotionless boy began  
to cry.  
I looked down on the pitiful scene and it struck me. I couldn't.  
I just couldn't. There comes a point where there's just too much   
cruelty to bestow upon another human being.  
"Don't worry kid," I said, "Your secret's safe with me."  
And with that I turned around and walked out of the cave. I   
would return home. I would go to my office. And when Relena would come  
in I would tell her that I hadn't found a thing. I had her 500 dollars.  
She didn't know. She didn't need to know. The sunset faded as I reached  
the train station on the Arizona desert plain. Sliding into my car I   
finally holstered my gun as I prepared for a long nap on the way back.  
Until tomorrow, this is Tenchi Muyo: Private Eye. Goodnight.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
*Fun fun author end note* So what did you all think? This is my second   
Tenchi Detective story, and my first real crossover. I'd like to do yet  
another, this time involving the cast of DBZ. However I can't quite   
think of a storyline (if you have any ideas feel free to share them).  
I'd like to do something on a following-people-to-find-out-stuff line  
of detective work since that's one area I haven't explored yet. (I've  
done finding people and stuff with The Mob). This is during the Great  
Depression, though so what can you do? I do have a new idea for   
completely different fic- Of Mice And Ten-chi, so perhaps that will be   
my next project. Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! 


End file.
